Love & Sex
By Carol Purroy, M.A.,
C.H.T.
It’s
been said that men need to have sex to feel loved
while women need to feel loved to have sex.
Based on my
experience, I think this statement is generally
true. And it has been the source of a lot of trouble
among couples -- misunderstandings, hurt feelings,
arguments, the continuation of arguments, etc.
It’s
also true that we tend to give the very thing
we ourselves want or need, assuming our partners
want the same thing. But they may not.
Men and women
are different. Really! We might as well be from
two different planets, as the popular book title
suggests. We’re as opposite as it’s
possible to be. So, then, how on earth can a man
and a woman expect to get along, much less, live
happily ever after? First we must recognize the
differences.
If you, a man,
believe that your wife, like you, needs to have
sex in order to feel loved, you’ll be more
than happy to provide that commodity . . . in
abundance.
The result,
however, since your wife is not like you, may
be that she feels misunderstood, used, and most
of all, unloved. She may perceive that everything
is about sex, and declare, “You don’t
care about me. You’re just interested in
sex, and I just happen to be available!”
If you, a woman,
believe that your husband, like you, needs romance
(candlelight, soft music, flowers, moonlight walks,
random acts of thoughtfulness, caresses for their
own sake, etc.), in order to feel loved, you’ll
be happy to provide it. Surprisingly, since he
is not like you, the outcome may be that your
husband feels teased, misled and confused. He
may say, “You act like you want to make
love. You get me all aroused, then you act insulted
when I take the next step!”
Since his belief
is that having sex means you love him, if it is
delayed, or if he perceives that your actions
were not intended to result in sex, he’ll
feel hurt, angry, and most of all, unloved.
In most marriages,
immediately after (or even during) a fight, the
man wants to make love -- which is the farthest
thing from his wife’s mind. It goes something
like this:
What’s
happening here is merely a demonstration of the
opening statement: men need to have sex to feel
loved while women need to feel loved to have sex.
He wants to get back to feeling that she loves
him . . . by having sex. It makes perfect sense
to him; it makes no sense to her at all. She needs
to already feel that he loves her . . . in order
to have sex. Before she’s ready to have
sex, she needs for everything to quiet down, for
the argument to be resolved, and for feelings
and actions to move slowly toward lovemaking.
She needs reassurance that he loves her in order
to feel secure enough to have sex.
The bottom-line
is that love is your primary need. This is equally
true of your spouse. The need to love and be loved
is your greatest commonality with one another
(and with every other person, for that matter).
The difference lies in how you go about getting
that need met. Once you realize how your secondary
needs (sex for men, romance and tenderness for
women) may differ from your spouse’s, the
solution is simple.
Once you understand
that you and your spouse approach feeling loved
from opposite directions, it’s easy to figure
out how to get there. First and foremost, there
must be the recognition that neither of you is
wrong . . . just different. And that those differences
are probably not arbitrary or willful.
You and your
partner have very real needs. You have spiritual
needs, i.e., the need for love; and you have physical
needs: for food, drink, safe shelter and sex.
Both love and
sex are transcendent experiences, transcending
the physical, the mundane, transporting one into
the realm of the spiritual.
When one loves
intensely . . . when one is in love, the feeling
is heavenly, divine. When one is in love, it’s
easy to imagine how it feels to be in the loving
presence of God . . . how it feels to be in Spirit.
It’s a feeling of intense aliveness and
joy. It’s a feeling of lightheartedness
and body-lightness -- of walking on air, flying,
soaring. It’s a feeling of being flooded
with light; of glowing, of radiance. It’s
a feeling of happiness approaching rapture. It’s
a feeling of oneness. It’s not uncommon
for people in love to “read” each
other’s thoughts and feelings, even from
thousands of miles away.
And when two
people have sex they become one. “Lovemaking”
is a common euphemism for having sex, but isn’t
that exactly what happens? When two people in
love have sex, the above-mentioned feelings describing
Love are intensified, i.e., the experience of
divine love. Sexual gratification (climax, orgasm)
is probably the most intense spiritual experience
available to most humans. It is ecstasy, euphoria,
bliss, elation, rapture -- all words ascribed
to the most highly spiritual experience.
It’s
possible that this is a divine gift that gives
us a glimpse into the hereafter. Oneness with
your spouse may be a preview of Oneness with Spirit.
So, rather than sex being base and bestial, its
enjoyment a matter of shame (as some religions
teach), sex with love should be viewed as a most
spiritual endeavor, taking us as close to Oneness
with God as it’s possible to get on this
planet.
Lovemaking
is both the physical and spiritual expression
of your love for one another, and as such, should
be offered as a gift. Learn what your partner
needs and desires. Talk about what feels good,
and what doesn’t. Many people spend a lot
of years feeling embarrassed about some (or all)
aspect(s) of sex and/or their bodies. Make every
effort to become comfortable with your own body
and your lover’s; explore your bodies and
discuss the emotions associated with them and
with pleasuring and being pleasured.
Marriage is
a wonderful opportunity to move beyond the physical
into the spiritual, but you must be willing to
allow it to happen. You must be willing to become
the best lover you can be.
Learn as much
about anatomy as you can. There are several good
books on the subject. Learn about the body’s
“erogenous zones,” remembering that
every inch of the body has nerve-endings and reacts
positively, and erotically, to loving, sensitive
touch.
Learn as much
about the emotional component of lovemaking as
you can. Intense emotions are associated with
the act of love . . . and a wide range of emotions,
at that.
Be patient
with your partner. (S)He may not be on the same
schedule you are (for any number of reasons).
Your loving patience and acceptance will encourage
her (him) far more than impatience and disapproval.
Realize that
your spouse is a unique individual. What arouses
and pleasures her (him) may be different from
any other person on earth. So whatever you know,
or think you know, about making love simply may
not apply to your spouse. It’s up to you
to find out about this particular person, this
unique individual you’re married to.
It goes without
saying that you both want exactly the same thing
. . . to love and be loved. You both want to feel
the bliss of love. But, remember, men and women
are different. The way for you to feel loved and
achieve that state of ecstasy, is to make sure
your spouse feels loved, too. To get what you
want, give your spouse what (s)he wants.
Try putting
yourself in your spouse’s place. I’m
going to tell you to break the all-time most sacrosanct
rule, the Golden Rule! “Do unto others as
you would have them do unto you,” does not
apply here. If ever there was a time to break
that rule, this is it.
In this case,
it’s far more important to: Do unto your
spouse as your spouse would have you do unto her
(him). That’s a very different thing.
While it seems
as if The Creator goofed -- big time -- in making
men and women so different, wouldn’t it
be interesting if part of the divine plan is to
teach and encourage us, through our differences,
to be more considerate of one another, more tolerant
of one another, more giving and forgiving of one
another?
Wouldn’t
it be interesting if figuring out this whole man/woman
thing and making it work were one of the “tests”
we’re given at this “university”
called Earth ?
Wouldn’t
it be interesting if marriage provided our greatest
opportunity for growth as human beings . . . and
as spiritual beings.
I believe it
does. And isn’t that what this is all about?
