The Wedding And Marriage
Are Different
By Alexandra Hambright
Solomon, PhD
While our culture's
wedding traditions are beautiful, romantic, and lots
of fun, they can set couples up for disappointment
afterwards. The day-to-day work of a marriage is many
miles away from the flowers and the dress and the
cake. It is important for couples keep this in mind
before, during, and after the wedding, which, at its
most basic level, is the concretizing of transition.
It is interesting
to note that although there are many good pre-marital
counseling programs out there, it is often difficult
to get engaged couples to attend them. Couples need
to remember that what they are really doing is preparing
for a lifelong marriage. That takes work!!
KC TIP
As you are going through the wedding experience, remember
the goal: building a sustainable, satisfying marriage.
A good marriage is the product of luck and work. The
fact that marriage takes work does not mean that something
is wrong. People who enjoy the benefits of a happy
marriage are the ones who are willing to put in time,
effort, and work.
Identity
Change - "I Versus We"
It is healthy for couples to begin to think in terms
of "we" rather than in terms of "I."
Couples in the first year of marriage need to ask
the question, "who are we as a couple?"
In exploring the question together, couples are creating
a story about their relationship. This story includes
how they relate to each other, how they relate to
the outside world, how they handle conflict, and how
they meet their own and the other's needs. Couples
who successfully navigate this identity process create
a story which valorizes or focuses, in a realistic
way, on their strengths as a couple and how they are
"in this together."
It is also important
to acknowledge that marriage can feel like a discontinuous
transition because it requires a significant mind
shift for both people. That can be a bit startling
for people. For example, it can be difficult to realize
that they cannot just go home if they feel bored or
frustrated, or to realize that they cannot simply
make weekend or evening plans without factoring in
another person. Certainly this does not mean that
all your time needs to be spent together, but it does
mean being responsible to someone else in a new and
different way. You are now part of a team!
KC TIP
When faced with a conflict or a dilemma, it is helpful
for married people to ask the question, "what
does the relationship need?" The marriage almost
becomes an entity unto itself-an entity that needs
to be nurtured, protected, and cared for by both partners.
Develop
And Maintain Boundaries
With a growing sense of identity in place, couples
can then create a boundary around the relationship.
Marriages need a semi-permeable boundary-a boundary
that allows other people to connect with, love, influence,
and be close to the couple while also allowing the
couple to definitively say to the world, "we
are a team here!" This can be especially complicated
when it comes to each spouse's family of origin.
KC TIP
Couples need to ask the question, "what do we
need to maintain the integrity of our relationship?"
In answering this question, couples may need to say
clearly to their families, "now that we are married,
this is how we are going to navigate the holidays,"
or "now that we are married, it is not OK for
you to stop by unannounced." This can be hard
for couples to say and hard for families to hear,
but it is crucial for the good of the marriage.
Connecting
Across Differences
Differences inevitably exist in a relationship. Couples
need to accept that, no matter what, they will not
be able to do away with difference. A difference in
and of itself is neither a good thing nor a bad thing.
The problem becomes that all too often we attach labels
to our differences: "My way is the right way,
and her way is the wrong way."
KC TIP
It is helpful for couples to think about which differences
they can let go of, accept, and live with, and which
differences are worth labeling meaningful, holding
on to, and compromising on.
It can also be
helpful for couples to remember that most differences
are actually double-edged swords. If you find yourself
bemoaning your spouse's lack of planning, remember
that this is most likely the same spontaneity that
you have often found attractive, endearing, and the
perfect complement to your neuroticism.
Negotiation
And Re-Negotiation
Even if couples have lived together before marriage,
there is significant re-negotiation that needs to
happen after the wedding. Some areas that commonly
need to be negotiated are: time together and time
apart, money, sex, and housework. Post-wedding, couples
can experience a sense that the stakes are higher.
A husband or wife who is washing dishes can suddenly
get concerned, "if I wash the dishes tonight,
does this mean that I will be the one washing dishes
for the rest of our lives?!"
KC TIP
When negotiating, look for common ground. Figure out
together those aspects of the issue that you see the
same. Then the areas of difference need to be negotiated
on (or accepted).
Remember to attack
the problem, not the person.
An acceptable outcome
is one that both people can live with because it feels
fair.
If you get stuck,
it may be because there is a deeper issue at work
than the issues of whose job it is to scrub the toilet.
It may be that you also need to address more complicated
issues like power, gender dynamics, family history,
and how care and concern get demonstrated in order
to get the negotiation back on track.
Just
For Newlyweds
